Hahahaha....love thyself

Well, let me tell you. My mind is blown. I never thought that I would be one of those people who gets pregnant and life turns upside down. Turns out, I was wrong. First of all, I think I'm being overly dramatic (per usual these days) but, to be fair this whole pregnancy thing did come at a very life changing-y time for me. Finishing college after attending for 8 years, not working for the first time in my teen/adult life and becoming a Mom all at once is a little much to wrap my brain around.

Aaaaannnnddd whining time is over. 

Okay, now a very important question. I want you to think about this long and hard. Really use your brain. Possibly even sleep on it.
Ready?
If this blog was about how much I loved myself and how great/wonderful/fabulous/terrific my life was, would you still read it? I wouldn't. Point made.
If you sleep on this, mull it over and decide that, yes you really would keep reading... well...

Sometimes I feel that my humor is mis-interpreted. Most of the time I sound horribly pissed off, when in fact... I just think the whole thing is humerous in a twisted sort of way. There are many people who understand and there are just as many people who shake their heads. That's okay. But, I'm going to keep being me. 

So, since we have that cleared up.

Let me introduce you to my rock star of a fetus. This, ladies and gentlemen, is going to be THE smartest, most beautiful/handsome, best behaved, all around champion of a child that you and anyone else has ever seen. Are you ready?

 Are you ready for this? Only 16 weeks old and 
already rocking a winning heartbeat and doing one hell of a job growing appendages. Just look at that leg. What a beaut.

Click to hear the most awesome heartbeat ever

Ta da!

Need to smile?

If you are needing a little "pick me up" check out the video of my maltese puppy Lulu. 

On another note, I bought organic "cheetos" the other day at the grocery store because I am trying to be a little more ehh...health conscience (because the baby eats what I eat, blah, blah, blah). So, I bought organic "cheetos" which I tried today for lunch. They are NOT even close to cheetos. Organic fail. They are tasty... if you are super into Kraft Mac and Cheese. It's so weird, they taste exactly like hard Mac and Cheese. I eventually had to put them away because it was freaking me out. BUT! They still leave the yellowish orange cheese dust on your fingers, just like real cheetos. 

To be more serious, (this post is all over the place) I am having an internal conflict about looking for a job. I am really unsure if I am ready to commit. I know that a lot of people have to work while they are pregnant, I'm not saying that you shouldn't... I'm just not sure if I am ready to jump into a new position at a new place. Starting a new job is stressful enough, but also looking into childcare jobs. It gives me the heebie jeebies. I know I'm being super picky, but I was looking for something super part time and pretty non-committal. All of the places I have interviewed at are into super long term commitments and are kinda pushy when it comes to hours. Both of which, I don't know if I can bend on. I mean, when the baby comes, the baby comes. Nothing I can do there. And as for the hours... I have been in situations before where I was working more hours than I was comfortable with... and it doesn't end well. I hate to jump into a stressful situation in the middle of a pregnancy, especially when it is not necessary. 

Oh, Oh! AND. I have been looking for jobs via Craigslist....which drives me CRAZY! When posting an ad on Craigslist why don't any of these people mention what place they are representing? How am I supposed to know if I am interested if they don't say which childcare they are or where they are located!? Sigh, it gets worse. Then they email me saying they want me to come in for an interview "at my childcare center." Where the f%$@ is that!? Come on people, I shouldn't have to awkwardly ask you what place you are hiring for. Get with the program lol.

By the way, my hubby and I just celebrated our two year anniversary (he bought me a new pillow per the "second year = cotton" rule) sooo..... HAPPY ANNIVERSARY TO US! :)

Anger and hormones... lots of hormones.

I am so angry today. This has just not been my week.

I have been feeling the full effect of pregnancy hormones lately (as my poor hubby knows) and now I will share it with all of you. 

I happen to have an app called "the bump." I downloaded this app when looking for good pregnancy apps on my iphone. I was excited to download "the bump" because I was part of The Knot when getting married and part of The Nest while purchasing our first house. I am a huge fan. I have spent countless hours on these websites and they have been invaluable to me.

Now, let me just take a second to point out.. the bitch session that is about to commence is not directed at "the bump." It is however directed to people who post on the website/app.

Okay, where should I begin? I belong to the December '13 birth club. On my app I can conveniently click right on my birth club and be taken to a forum where you can post/ blog/ respond to other December '13 moms. F$%^ that shit.

I can't stand all of those horrible people. No, that's an exaggeration. There are a lot of lovely people in my forum. However, there are a lot of people I would like to punch in the throat. Why is it when people get online they act like someone else? I know that these women would NEVER say the shit they say online to someone's face. Why do people get so damn mean on the internet? I can honestly say that if one of those rude bitches talked to me like they "talk" to some of the other people who post, it would not end well. It is like middle school vomited all over these conversations. The women are rude, demeaning and downright catty to new moms asking dumb questions. Now, let me ask...if I can not log onto my birth club and ask a
stupid pregnancy question, what is the point of the forum? I know that you readers are probably shaking your heads, not quite understanding a rudeness at hand. I really feel that you have to experience it for yourself in order to understand my level of frustration. These women gang up on poor innocent first time moms like a rabid group of high school cheerleaders. They prey on people who are looking for reassurance and only enjoy patting each other on the back for stupid shit, like eating all of the food in the entire pantry -_- or buying gigantic over the "bump" underwear. 

              

I have complained numerous times to my husband about these women. He always asks me, why don't you delete the app? To which I say, I enjoy being a part of a community of women who are going through the same things that I am. Reasonable, right? Sigh. I just can't decide what to do.

I am at a complete loss. I absolutely do NOT allow rude and mean people to hang about in my life. But, I feel that since I am just a lurker on the forum and have not posted that I can't say that I have a direct problem with anyone.

On to my next issue. Anyone who makes my blood pressure jump through the roof. IF YOU DON'T HAVE SOMETHING NICE TO SAY, DON'T TALK TO ME. Just don't. I am sick and tired of people being so damn difficult and expecting me to nod and smile at them like they aren't crazy. I probably  f*&#$^& hate you right now. I currently have two lists. People I don't want to shank and people I would love to shank. Beware. I feel that this is perfectly reasonable. I am attempting to have a nice relaxing pregnancy where everything is butterflies and unicorns. Don't shit on my rainbow. Take your Barbara hating ass somewhere else.


Oh, and don't tell me I look like I am having twins... when you clearly know I am not. Do I have to make it this obvious?.....

IKEA... Survival of the Fittest

I don't know how many of you are familiar with IKEA. On a typical day in a normal frame of mind I would say it is a magical place filled with everything you could ever dream of. It is like walking into an adult sized fun house. When you walk up to the building you are taken aback by the sheer size of this mega store.

It is a bit like heaven opened and bestowed upon the lucky city of West Chester a place where one can go to find happiness. As you walk into IKEA you are immediately thrust into the stores conveyor belt like atmosphere. There are people everywhere, people who are following the lighted arrows on the floor, and you must too. As you follow these arrows you will be led through room after room of life sized model houses and household items of every shape and size. One thing that sets IKEA apart from other stores is that if you want to buy large furniture you must wait until the end. Their design is ingenious. They suck you in with dazzling lights and beautiful luxurious rooms, they make you hungry for more, and then just as you think that you simply can't take it anymore... they allow you to take the elevator downstairs. The main level of IKEA is where the magic happens. On this ground level you are able to pick, choose and touch any item you wish. By the time you get to the bottom floor you are feeling so drunk off of the high that is IKEA that you mindlessly start filling your yellow bag. Pillows, candles, vases, plates, stuffed animals, picture frames, rugs... heck yes. You will need all of it. But, it doesn't end there. After the upstairs showrooms and the downstairs shopping bonanza you are thrust into the largest most intimidating store room anyone has ever seen.

Here is where you will lose your mind. It is similar to walking into Aladdin's Cave of Wonders. There are boxes from floor to ceiling, magical boxes that hold the key to having a beautiful home. The most beautiful and well put together home anyone has ever seen. Dear God.

Now, this is not the same experience I had while recently taking a trip to IKEA while pregnant. Let me tell you, we were all lucky to make it out of that shopping experience alive. First of all, I needed to pee... like, fast. We found a bathroom tucked under some signs or stairs or something (I didn't have time to really check it out). So, I ran in. As I am pregnant lady sprinting into the bathroom, women are just standing in the way like idiots. I don't know what they were doing, but I kept right on running. Luckily, I must have looked serious because everyone moved out of my way. After finding a bathroom stall and doing my business I took a deep breath and tried to ready myself for the experience that is IKEA. I fixed my skirt, smoothed my hair and unlocked the door. Only to have an 8 year old girl shove herself into my stall with me. Feeling flustered and still a bit disoriented from the nap I took on my way to IKEA I shoved her out of my way and looked around in disbelief. Her equally obnoxious mother was standing off to the side (one of the idiots standing around, I should have known). She made some half hearted attempt to make an excuse for the girl's rude behavior, to which I gave her my best scowl. Washing my hands made me feel a little better. The cold water brought my temperature down a bit and I once again was ready to join the other IKEA-ites in our upcoming adventure. 
Welcome to IKEA. Ugh. Normally I love looking around, take in the bright lights and the dazzling scenery. Not today. When you are pregnant your world is different. My decisions and actions are now solely made based on my level of pukiness and how long its been since I last ate. I meant serious business. I had approximately one hour before I was going to need to eat again and about two hours before I lost my pregnant lady mind. It's go time. As I walked at a normal pace through IKEA I really wished I had worn a good pair of shoulder pads. The kind that football players wear. EVERYONE was in my way. GGGGAAAAHHHH. Why, someone please tell me, why do people love to stop in the middle of the aisle? Why do they bring their twelve family members and have them stop in the middle of the aisle way with them? Now I know how Alice in Wonderland felt. There were do-do birds and tweedle dee/tweedle dum twins everywhere. 
Finally we made it to the elevator. A celebratory snack was in order.

On the lower level things got desperate. I was done. I had a total lack of stamina and I was feeling the consequences. Damn it. I should have trained for this. So, to deal with my desperation I started throwing things into the cart. No time to talk, no time to debate. Just walk and toss, walk and toss. (Oddly everything we picked out that day happened to either be blue or orange... including our clothes. Weird) 
Let me quickly summarize for you in three words how it went in the Cave of Wonders. Duck and Cover. If you keep your head down and sprint you can see the finish line.
Ah. The check out lines at IKEA. There is nothing in the world quite like these check out lines. The word cluster f$%& comes to mind. There are rows and rows and rows of check out lines and people running everywhere. They are running forward, backward, sideways, diagonally. Where are they going!? It is too

late to turn back now, even they must know that. Oh, and I forgot to mention the children. Gah, the children. Not only are there large adults running around  like children there are also children running around like children. Getting yourself securely into a check out line is like playing a life or death game of Frogger. Some people (who are nicer than I am) try to dodge these people. I do not. I put my head down, get a firm grip on my cart and do not stop until I reach my destination. Too bad for anyone in my way. 
Oh, so you've made it to the check out... you can see the exit doors and you think you are in the clear, right? WRONG! Pay attention pregnant people. DO NOT BREATHE THE AIR. I'm not kidding. You will throw up. After making it through the whole store without killing anyone, peeing only twice and stopping for a snack once, I almost tossed my cookies 10 feet from the exit. The air near the exit of IKEA is toxic. It is a mixture of cinnamon rolls, hot dogs and death. Run. Just run and don't stop. Take those precious purchases of yours and get the hell out.

CONGRATULATIONS! You made it through IKEA. (With or without your husband) Sometimes you have to cut your losses :)