IKEA... Survival of the Fittest

I don't know how many of you are familiar with IKEA. On a typical day in a normal frame of mind I would say it is a magical place filled with everything you could ever dream of. It is like walking into an adult sized fun house. When you walk up to the building you are taken aback by the sheer size of this mega store.

It is a bit like heaven opened and bestowed upon the lucky city of West Chester a place where one can go to find happiness. As you walk into IKEA you are immediately thrust into the stores conveyor belt like atmosphere. There are people everywhere, people who are following the lighted arrows on the floor, and you must too. As you follow these arrows you will be led through room after room of life sized model houses and household items of every shape and size. One thing that sets IKEA apart from other stores is that if you want to buy large furniture you must wait until the end. Their design is ingenious. They suck you in with dazzling lights and beautiful luxurious rooms, they make you hungry for more, and then just as you think that you simply can't take it anymore... they allow you to take the elevator downstairs. The main level of IKEA is where the magic happens. On this ground level you are able to pick, choose and touch any item you wish. By the time you get to the bottom floor you are feeling so drunk off of the high that is IKEA that you mindlessly start filling your yellow bag. Pillows, candles, vases, plates, stuffed animals, picture frames, rugs... heck yes. You will need all of it. But, it doesn't end there. After the upstairs showrooms and the downstairs shopping bonanza you are thrust into the largest most intimidating store room anyone has ever seen.

Here is where you will lose your mind. It is similar to walking into Aladdin's Cave of Wonders. There are boxes from floor to ceiling, magical boxes that hold the key to having a beautiful home. The most beautiful and well put together home anyone has ever seen. Dear God.

Now, this is not the same experience I had while recently taking a trip to IKEA while pregnant. Let me tell you, we were all lucky to make it out of that shopping experience alive. First of all, I needed to pee... like, fast. We found a bathroom tucked under some signs or stairs or something (I didn't have time to really check it out). So, I ran in. As I am pregnant lady sprinting into the bathroom, women are just standing in the way like idiots. I don't know what they were doing, but I kept right on running. Luckily, I must have looked serious because everyone moved out of my way. After finding a bathroom stall and doing my business I took a deep breath and tried to ready myself for the experience that is IKEA. I fixed my skirt, smoothed my hair and unlocked the door. Only to have an 8 year old girl shove herself into my stall with me. Feeling flustered and still a bit disoriented from the nap I took on my way to IKEA I shoved her out of my way and looked around in disbelief. Her equally obnoxious mother was standing off to the side (one of the idiots standing around, I should have known). She made some half hearted attempt to make an excuse for the girl's rude behavior, to which I gave her my best scowl. Washing my hands made me feel a little better. The cold water brought my temperature down a bit and I once again was ready to join the other IKEA-ites in our upcoming adventure. 
Welcome to IKEA. Ugh. Normally I love looking around, take in the bright lights and the dazzling scenery. Not today. When you are pregnant your world is different. My decisions and actions are now solely made based on my level of pukiness and how long its been since I last ate. I meant serious business. I had approximately one hour before I was going to need to eat again and about two hours before I lost my pregnant lady mind. It's go time. As I walked at a normal pace through IKEA I really wished I had worn a good pair of shoulder pads. The kind that football players wear. EVERYONE was in my way. GGGGAAAAHHHH. Why, someone please tell me, why do people love to stop in the middle of the aisle? Why do they bring their twelve family members and have them stop in the middle of the aisle way with them? Now I know how Alice in Wonderland felt. There were do-do birds and tweedle dee/tweedle dum twins everywhere. 
Finally we made it to the elevator. A celebratory snack was in order.

On the lower level things got desperate. I was done. I had a total lack of stamina and I was feeling the consequences. Damn it. I should have trained for this. So, to deal with my desperation I started throwing things into the cart. No time to talk, no time to debate. Just walk and toss, walk and toss. (Oddly everything we picked out that day happened to either be blue or orange... including our clothes. Weird) 
Let me quickly summarize for you in three words how it went in the Cave of Wonders. Duck and Cover. If you keep your head down and sprint you can see the finish line.
Ah. The check out lines at IKEA. There is nothing in the world quite like these check out lines. The word cluster f$%& comes to mind. There are rows and rows and rows of check out lines and people running everywhere. They are running forward, backward, sideways, diagonally. Where are they going!? It is too

late to turn back now, even they must know that. Oh, and I forgot to mention the children. Gah, the children. Not only are there large adults running around  like children there are also children running around like children. Getting yourself securely into a check out line is like playing a life or death game of Frogger. Some people (who are nicer than I am) try to dodge these people. I do not. I put my head down, get a firm grip on my cart and do not stop until I reach my destination. Too bad for anyone in my way. 
Oh, so you've made it to the check out... you can see the exit doors and you think you are in the clear, right? WRONG! Pay attention pregnant people. DO NOT BREATHE THE AIR. I'm not kidding. You will throw up. After making it through the whole store without killing anyone, peeing only twice and stopping for a snack once, I almost tossed my cookies 10 feet from the exit. The air near the exit of IKEA is toxic. It is a mixture of cinnamon rolls, hot dogs and death. Run. Just run and don't stop. Take those precious purchases of yours and get the hell out.

CONGRATULATIONS! You made it through IKEA. (With or without your husband) Sometimes you have to cut your losses :)