Well. I am feeling a little nuts today, so I thought I would write a blog post. What better free therapy could there be??? (Other than exercising but, let's be real.... that's not going to happen.)
E of course, had a great night. Thank goodness she is a fabulous sleeper. We also had a super fun morning! We ate left over chocolate chip pancakes and went to play at a friend's house. The girls are the same age and it is precious to see them learning and playing together! It's the best!
But... I guess that is what is bothering me. I have SO little time left being a mommy of one. We had a wonderful morning. What if the baby coming takes away those mornings?
I know it's irrational, but I think I am grieving a little bit. I've built my identity around being E's mommy. Now I am going to be a "mommy of two." Yikes. It's scary. I am not afraid of the labor, bringing home the baby, taking care of the newborn or having two kids. I am TERRIFIED that she won't look at me the same way. I am afraid that I will let her down. I am afraid that I won't be able to keep taking her to play dates or have time to make her yummy breakfast.
What if she stops looking at me like I am her favorite thing in the world?
That's what I'm afraid of.
I'm hoping that it's just nerves and hormones that are making me have all of these fears. I just love that little girl so much, I don't want to be the one to break her sensitive little heart.
I know that people say, "siblings are a good thing" and "it will teach her to be patient" and well... that's great... and I know that (that's why we are having another.) But, deep down inside I'm secretly terrified about what else having a sibling will do. To me and to her.
Someone please tell me that I'm not crazy. Someone please tell me that it will all be okay.
I feel so guilty for having these feelings, because I am so excited to meet O. I can't wait to kiss his little face and squish his chubby cheeks. It's nothing against him. I feel so blessed to be able to even have two children. There was a time (not so long ago) that we weren't sure that one child was even going to be in the cards for us. He has been wanted and is wanted.
I'm sure that when we bring him home the transition will be so seamless that we won't even notice it happening in our sleep deprived state. (This is me pep talking myself, haha.) I'm sure that E will be a wonderful big sister and we will become a happy family of 4. Right?....Right!?
On another note:
I know that in the past I have complained about people telling me their horrible labor stories or how hard and life altering it was to bring home their baby. But, this time I'm asking... please lay off the stories about how bringing home the second child was "so much harder than the first" and how affected my older daughter will be. It's freaking me out.
OH. And stop judging me because my kids will be 18 months apart. We are SO lucky to have them both. They are both alive and healthy. We are very happy with the spacing of our children. THIS IS WHAT WE PLANNED AND WHAT WE WANTED. If random strangers could stop giving me shit about it. I would love that, lol.
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